I Can't Believe I Signed Up For This

I am a girlie-girl....through and through. I love makeup, purses, mani-pedi's, fabulous heels...I'm as "chic" as they come. And I'm okay with that - very okay with that. I'm surprised I like to garden as much as I do because there is dirt (and the occasional earthworm - ewwwwww) involved. However, I think the only reason I enjoy that so much is because it all looks so pretty when I'm done. So not only am I a girlie-girl, I'm a self-fulfilling girlie girl. HA! So when my honey informed me that I would have to blow my daughters nose FOR HER (she's got a wicked change-of-weather head cold), you can imagine the look of horror and disgust on my face. And it wasn't just a flash of a look, no. It was stuck on my face like someone had come along and slapped me on the back at the precise moment I made said face, and lo and behold, mom was right - my face froze like that. The conversation that took place after this information carried itself along the sound waves to my not registering brain went a little something like this:

Honey: This nasal aspirator isn't working. I think we're gonna have to blow her nose for her.

Me: Say what?

Honey: Yeah. We're gonna have to blow her nose for her. She can't breathe through her nose which is why she's not falling asleep.

Me: And so, just how does one blow one's nose for another???

Honey: Well, she will hate it. But you basically close up one of her nostrils and then blow into her mouth like you're about to give CPR. Except all the air is diverted up her nasal cavity and the snot comes shooting out.

Me: the look appears...

Honey: Hey, she's our daughter. We have to do it.

Me: (still looking at him as though he has lost his last good brain cell) Screw that man - YOU have to do it!

Honey: Well, I have to go to work today, so if she can't breathe through out the day you're just going to let her suffer?

Me: silence....brain says "Shit man, pullin' on the damn heartstrings...that was low and sneaky. Bastard." mouth says "FINE. Show me how this crap is done."

I then proceeded to watch him blow our daughters nose for her. Not only was she pissed to high hell, but when he was done, he had a face full of snot. Our daughters snot. I, on the other hand, had a mouth full of vomit. This had to be the single most disgusting thing I had ever witnessed with my own eyeballs.

But wouldn't you know it.....within seconds of him ending the torture of the munchkin she was sound asleep. Literally. KNOCKED OUT. And slept for a good couple of hours too, so I thought there may be something to this madness after all.

Later on in the day she had this congestion thing going again right before it was time for her to go down for her nap, so I said to my brain "Okay girl...we can do this.....it's for the munchkin. WE CAN DO THIS". So I grabbed my munchkin and laid her down on the couch and hovered over her, mentally preparing myself to help the girl breathe. She was looking at me all sweet and baby-like, probably thinking in her baby brain "aw geez...I love my mama...she's so much fun..I just love her...I bet we're gonna play that 'tickle my tummy' game game right now...ooohhhh I can't wait!"

Then I moved in for the blowing.

And promptly got an eyeful of snot.

My daughter was now furious with me, and giving me a look that said "TAKE THAT, BITCH!"
And I totally deserved the look. I mean, imagine if your honey did that to you. He lays you down all sweet and gentle on the couch, looks longingly into your eyes, and leans in for what you think is going to be the moment to end all moments - except he starts BLOWING into you! You would slap the mess out of him - with BOTH hands!! Which is what I believe my kid would have done if she could have. Instead, she was satisfied with practically blinding me in one eye. Which is I guess the perfect retribution for a baby.

But ugh....it is hell for this mama. No one likes a mouth full of vomit and an eyeful of snot.

No one.

Well, I take that back. No one except sleeping babies.