And So It Shall Be....

MUCHO MOJITOS MONDAYS!!!!

It was going to be "Mucho Madness Mondays" but then King of New York Hacks had this fabulous idea! Then I got to thinking....reliving some of our mommy moments and back in the day debacles might make, those mojitos more of a necessity than a desire...so the name sticks!

So.....come back on Monday and make us laugh! Well, come back before then too...you never know what sort of insanity honey, 10, 12, and 2 months will coax out of me!

Will it be.....

I want a "special day" for my blog...but not Worldess Wednesday b/c everyone has that....I was thinking Mucho Madness Mondays where everyone shares their funniest mommy stories....or funniest "back in the day" stories...something to get us laughin' as we start the week off....

ANYONE HAVE ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS/IDEAS?

Mylicon, Will You Marry Me?

Not too many posts ago I made mention that I have often contemplated purchasing stock in Trojans. Well, I may be going broke because mama just discovered MYLICON.

Now before I wax poetic about the beautiful little blue box, let me first say TO ALL MY MOMMY FRIENDS WHO READ THIS AND DIDN'T TELL ME SUCH AN AMAZING PRODUCT EXISTED - YOU'RE ALL DEAD TO ME. To my expecting mommy friends who read this - I expect my name to be listed somewhere on that birth certificate.

OMG MYLICON! Where have you been the past three months of my life?? Seriously. For the last three months I have been dealing with a beautiful baby girl who burps like a Kappa Sig frat boy, and farts like she's been eating Taco Bell since day one! Seriously! I've never smelt such rank baby farts. And the crying. Don't even let me begin....the one thing I LOVE and WANT TO COMMIT MOMMY-CIDE over (that's when you just play dead for a while hoping dad will tend to baby - make sure you don't blink too much or you'll give yourself away) is my daughter's strong will. At three months the girl is no quitter when it comes to getting what she wants, which leads me to believe that this may carry on into her formative years and I will have one successful little munchkin on my hands. HOWEVER....at 2 in the damn morning you're wondering if she will even make it to her formative years if she keeps it up. *NOW HERE IS MY DISCLAIMER FOR YOU UBER-SENSITIVE MOMS OUT THERE - I'M JUST KIDDING!!! I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION BAZILLION YEARS DO ONE OUNCE OF HARM TO MY DAUGHTER. QUIT DIALING CPS* But seriously ladies...ya feel me?? We've all been there.....

But then....in walked Mylicon....small in size but HUGE in effect (much like, and UN like some boys in my past)....1 tiny little drop to the inner cheek and I swear on my favorite pair of panties (I'm still wearing my maternity panties - haha) she was out in LESS THAN ONE MINUTE! ONE FREAKIN' MINUTE YA'LL!!! That's less time than it takes me to breathe again after inhaling a nose full of one of her farts!!!

Seriously. Mylicon, I heart you.

I Love It At Your Own Risk

In today's time it is very VERY easy to decide to just drown your sorrows in a large bottle of Jose Cuervo Black. Trust me. I know. I HAVE BEEN HAVING A STARING CONTEST WITH ONE FOR THE PAST WEEK - BUT I THINK I'M WEARING IT DOWN.

I would totally do it though if there was some sort of guarantee I wouldn't wake up tomorrow with a raging headache and an evil trip to the potty....anyways, in lieu of drunk dialing/texting/blogging, I am going to make a list. A list that I will share with you at the risk of being laughed at, pointed at, laughed and pointed, called a heathen, losing followers, and my mother finding my blog and phone scolding me. So feast your eyes, grab your bibles, get your throw up bag....here is a possibly long list of 50 THINGS I LOVE AND AM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT TO (not to be confused with 50 THINGS I LOVE AND WILL TAKE TO MY GRAVE WITH ME)....

1. my daughter (like you didn't think she would be number 1...well let me not lie..she almost wasn't..my steve maddens were jockeying for that spot)
2. my honey (as with my daughter, he almost lost out to my purses)
3. Ben n' Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream (i don't share it. don't even ask. don't even get close to me when i'm eating it. i'm not responsible for injuries incurred)
4. sushi
5. hooker heels (that's what i call my fave pairs of stiletto's)
6. wine
7. puerto rican food
8. italian food
9. food my honey cooks (eat your hearts out ladies - he's in culinary school)
10. food.
11. the word "bitch" - as in "my bitches"....or "yeeeeaaaahhhhhh bitcheeeeesssssss" not at all meant in a derogatory form, but as a term of endearment shared between me and my closest girls
12. compromising positions
13. complicated positions
14. compromising while in complicated positons
15. ketchup on white rice
16. martini's
17. good coffee
18. my honey's fuzzy back (i know - i never thought i could either)
19. the way my daughter smiles at me as soon as she opens her peepers and we lock eyes
20. writing (obviously - i spend HOW MUCH TIME on here daily???)
21. FRIENDS (the tv show - not my own...JUST KIDDING GIRLS!)
22. Vince Carter, Jason Statham, The Rock, and Idris Elba - in no particular order...they all make me drop trow...
23. oral communication
24. aural communication
25. the fact that some people don't get #23 and #24
26. make up
27. the fact that my honey still thinks i'm hot when i haven't shaved my legs in three weeks and my hair is a hot mess....or maybe he's just a horny bastard trying to get some...either one works for me
28. the looks on people's faces when i start speaking spanish
29. trying to copy something Samantha and Smith Jarrod did
30. trashy celeb gossip (hel-lo...i'm puerto rican...that's what we live for!)
31. the fact that my mother refers to Jennifer Lopez as "Jenny" or "la Jenny"...as if she is part of the family
32. coupons (i'm cheap and broke and not afraid to hold your ass up in line presenting my $50 in coupons)
33. the fact that so far i have found 33 things i love
34. MY BIG ASS
35. good beer - YUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY
36. butterflies
37. being a neurotic first time mom
38. the way my honey looks at me
39. thursday nights
40. my purse collection
41. having sex in the morning
42. naughty texts, emails, phone calls from my honey in the middle of the day
43. HAVING A JOB (which i don't have right now but want desperately so if you know someone, or you are someone, and you or someone you know needs someone - hook a girl up - PLEASE!)
44. the fact that i have found ten more things to love since the last time i typed this sentence
45. The Holy Trinity
46. pork rinds
47. cracklin's (i just discovered these and YUM...but you can only eat so much at one sitting - otherwise it's baaaaaddddd news)
48. cheese - lots of it....even though it makes me a tad bit gassy (i'm lying about that "tad bit" part)
49. having a clean desk
50. having a neurotically organized pantry (i might be a tad OCD...just a little)

What do YOU love, oh reader of the blog?

June Cleaver Would Give Me 2 Thumbs Down....

So...I have been out of the loop for a hot minute....grandma came to visit,ruined the munchkin, and I have been trying to rehabilitate her to the way Mommy and Daddy do things.....no offense to you grandma's out there....but ya'll are like crack to a baby....ya hold 'em and hold 'em and then leave us to deal with the withdrawals....thanks ya'll....in the words of our most idiotic genius Paris Hilton - "that's hot"....

Munchkin is asleep...honey is asleep...and I...well I'm blogging....about - well, nothing...but in my nothingness I am also reminiscing on days long gone...and secretly wondering if my daughter serves as God's assurance that I will never return to my party girl days without feeling a shred of guilt....Will I ever partake in another keg stand (hahaha....this time my boobs won't suffocate me)...Do i still get to make out in parked cars until the windows get really steamy so I can finger draw inappropriate pictures on the window (didn't know stick figures could do that did you?)....and what about the shacker walk o'shame....me and my shacker SHACKED UP! My walk o'shame is from the bathroom to the bed and the shame comes into play only if we had mexican food for dinner (don't act like refried beans don't mess ya'll up too...it's like a battle of the butts in our house - hard to believe that coming from such a prima - i know...lol)........

But really...what happens now....does my life turn into June Cleaver? Am I required to wear an apron and whisper the word "sex" and sip my Chardonnay and never drink beer out of the bottle???? What about cursing?? I like to drop an F-bomb every now and again....it makes me feel good...Sometimes I like to do all of the aforementioned in the same day...I like to clean my house in booty shorts, a tiny tee and my highest heels...I figure if I have to do the damn thing I might as well be hot doing it(besides - the heels TOTALLY keep your calves engaged and gives you a killer workout...try cleaning your ceiling fan with them on - beats ANY weight thingy at the gym)...But if I do this, will my apron burst into flames...like - what if I am relaxing with a Blue Moon screaming F YOU at Rachel Ray on my television (my favorite pastime)...and then later on I say out loud to my honey - "let's go have some hot sex" (my other favorite pastime)....at that very moment what happens...does my womb seal itself up forever because I have exceeded my lifetime limit in ludicrousness and can no longer be considered a candidate for a good role model for children? Does Martha Stewart show up at my door and demand her cookware that I bought on sale at Macy's back because a potty mouth like me can not be trusted to make delicious desserts and set gorgeous tables (which I do btw - and sometimes when they don't work out right I drop an F-bomb)? Basically, what I want to know is this: Now that I am a "mommy" do I have to deny to people that I sometimes can relate more to Samantha than I can to Charlotte, that I think beer is man's best invention next to push-up bra's and NYC hot dog carts, and that every now and then I contemplate purchasing stock in Trojans (haven't started my pills yet - next cycle I swear)??

I think all of these things as I sit here and think of what to blog about...and then I hear the one thing that not only makes soda shoot out my nose, but also reassures me that no - nothing really has to change too much...the guy on tv has just put on a pair of "manties" aka "man panties"....this is the funniest thing I have heard all day. June Cleaver would frown in disdain...I revel in the hilarity of it all...my inner 20 year old lives on...so here's my new question...would it be inappropriate to partake in a "tasty beverage" while feeding the munchkin? Is that just pushing it a bit too far? Hmmmm....What would Samantha do??

The Longest Day Of The Rest Of My Life

The commercial says "Having a baby changes everything". I used to hate that commercial. Who doesn't know that?? Especially being that I have worked in child development and family empowerment for the last ten years - that was just wasted airtime and breath...even the 16 year old boy with the knocked up girlfriend knew that - that's why he freaks out DAILY.

Then today happened - and the know it all knew nothing. In order for you to fully understand the magnitude of this freak out session I have to give you a bit of history. On May 14, 2009 Emory Yvonne Webster entered the world. Aside from her being incredibly white (um....do we look any BIT white??) and having a bum arm (my girl's got Erb's Palsy ya'll - say your prayers it goes away), she was perfect. Not a spot on her. We (okay well, I) enjoyed 4 glorious responsibility free days in the hospital and then brought our sweetpea home. So far so good - nothing had really changed as the lame-o commercial SWORE it would, and little Miss Know It All (i.e. ME)went on knowing it all. Then about 4 days after bringing Em home this little pink dot showed up on her right temple. It was teeny weeny and I thought nothing of it. When it didn't go away after a few days I decided to just keep my eye on it and remember to ask her doctor at her 2 month check up. When a month and 12 days went by and it went from a small pin prick of a dot to this raised, red bump it was more than enough to make the know it all take pause. I showed my honey and we agreed it didn't look right, we didn't like the fact it was growing, and we wanted her doctor to look at it sooner rather than later. Our doc agreed to bump her 2 month visit up 2 weeks and saw her about 9 days after we called. Naturally I, the first time, neurotic mom was all kinds of nervous and worried but good old doc was very casual about the whole thing.

"Oh that? That's just a hemangioma, or a strawberry mole. Nothing to worry about. They are fairly common and they go away on there own - usually by the time the child is 6-9 months. It will continue to grow and others may pop up - but I promise you - nothing to worry about."

Okay, so neurotic mom is happy and breathing again and all is right in the world. Buuuuutttttt...as with all neurotic moms - one doctor can't know it all. Sooooo..I call my girlfriend who is an opthamological plastic surgeon and ask her about it. She asks me to email her pics of it - which of course I do IMMEDIATELY - and she agrees with doc - typical strawberry hemangioma - nothing to worry about. Doctor number three says the same thing. So I leave good enough alone. HOWEVER - by this point the once teeny weeny is now FREAKIN' HUGE

and I'm just NOT feelin it. BUT all doctors agree and one is personally invested since she's one of my best friends - so high maintenance know it all neurotic mom decides to just chill and let the hemangioma from hell do it's thing.

Until today.

Today the commercial that I long before loathed played over and over in my spinning head. Today, while sitting watching a video at the WIC office my daughter began to spontaneously BLEED FROM HER HEAD. At first I couldn't tell where it was coming from - then I spotted it - the hemangioma. The "no need to worry" pin prick had now swelled to a size too big for its own good and was now relieving itself in the form of blood running profusely down my daughters face. Yes, you read right. My daughter began to spontaneously bleed from the thing I - first time neurotic mom - was not supposed to worry about.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?????? Excuse my language - I really try not to curse on my blog but NOBODY SAID ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT SPONTANEOUS BLEEDING!!!!!

So I run out of the office and ask them to call a doctor or someone that can help me because I don't know what the hell is going on. (I should make mention that during this entire ordeal my daughter is totally chill - has absolutely no idea that her head is leaking) While waiting for the paramedics to show up I called my honey and advised him of what was going on and within 8 minutes he was there. Mind you at the normal speed limit he was a good 25 minutes away, and within those 8 minutes she stopped bleeding. However, the paramedics advised that we should just take her to her pediatrician - the same pediatrician who said "IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT". We follow their advice and on the way there I mentally prepared the verbal bitch-slap I'm about to give her. She didn't say crap about this bleeding thing so in my mind I was right and she was wrong and I was going to demand a referral to someone/somewhere better. Might I add that while we were in the waiting room the spontaneous bleeding started up once again.

I WAS FUMING. My fear and concern had morphed into pissed the hell off. That verbal bitch slap was getting longer and louder in my head. Finally her doc calls us in and I'm all set to let her have it. But she beat me to it.


"See here - look at these pictures of other children who have had hemangiomas. They are all much larger than Emory's. And look here - it says right here that bleeding and ulceration is normal. It's part of the process and is usually a sign that it is starting to go away on its own. See - this is all part of the process...IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT."

I question her again and again - confirming that it really is nothing to worry about. I read the passage in the medical book over and over again - not fully believing that there was nothing to worry about. But there it was - "Bleeding is typical and common for hemangiomas". So that was it. Plain and simple. My child is going to bleed from her head until this hemangioma thing goes away. Nothing to worry about. Nothing nothing....nothing.

This is going to be a really long rest of my life if she's gonna keep giving me "nothing to worry about"......

Krogers Helps Save Beautiful Shoes

So if you go back a couple of days, you will find the post Drinks Are on Kroger in which I so lovingly inform ya'll about saving money and buying shoes (or drinks, or shoes to go drinking in). Some of you ladies were shocked that I could find name brand heels for as low as $10. Well I hate to brag (excuse me, would you mind dusting off my shoulder please?) but here is yet ANOTHER example of Krogers contributing to my Save The Beatiful Shoes fund.

Eat your hearts out ladies!!!