Friday, October 16, 2009

My Life in Rewind

What a week, what a week! Would anyone like to switch places.....i'm kinda cute and my honey is a hottie...have a cute kid and awesome neighbors.....well....don't talk to the nosey nelly across the street....she's so nosey she can tell you what color underwear you have on....but otherwise - please let's do a little swap.....ONLY IF THIS SWAP INVOLVES LOTS OF VODKA, A BEACH, BALMY WEATHER, AND A HOT CABANA BOY NAMED PAULO.

No?? Nobody? Ugh. You guys suck.

So here's my week in review....

Monday - got dolled up for a job interview. Job pays well but OMG I would probably blow my brains out on DAY ONE! The place is soooooo quiet. And I'd be answering phones - ALL DAY. It made me think that if I worked there I would pee my pants AT MY DESK just to have something to talk about/laugh about/cause a raucous about. Of couurse THAT would get me fired, so I left deciding that job was definitely NOT for me. HOWEVER, when I got home from THAT interview I received a phone call from a bridal shop I had interviewed at and HEY HEY YA'LL...YA'LL CAN STOP LIGHTIN' THOSE CATHOLIC PRAYER CANDLES CUZ MAMA GOT A J-O-B!!!! Hells yeah bitcheeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!! I get to dress brides-to-be in beautiful dresses ALL DAY LONG!!! This is soooo up my alley - I am thrilled beyond all belief!

Tuesday - drove to Austin to say "see you when I get there" to my honey's grandmother. She is currently dying from cancer. I will say this - it is a blessing and a curse that this is the first time I have encountered cancer close up and in my face. And you know what - I HATE CANCER! And I don't hate anything in life - mom always said "don't use the word 'hate' - it's a strong word"...so I have lived by that rule my entire life. But I'm saying it - I HATE CANCER. It's ugly, horrible, evil - satan's incarnate. I have never sat by someone's side and just STARED at their chest, willing it to rise one more time...praying for on more heave of labored breath....and then having my own breathing stop when hers stops - only to realize it's just a pause. Torn between wanting her pain to come to an end praying for Jesus to come take her, and selfishly not wanting to let her go. I watched death tip-toe around her room all day long. I will say it again. Sorry mom but I HATE CANCER.

Wednesday - Slept alllllll daaaaaaaayyyyyyyy loooooooonnnnnnnnggggggggg. Me, honey, and munchkin. We were EXHAUSTED!

Thursday - I will lovingly call this "fat ass shopping day" because that is EXACTLY what it was. I headed out to our lovely Premium Outlets (which is waaaayyyy too close to my house - bad things happen to my wallet there) to purchase some new clothes for work. Somehow, I have managed to hold on to this baby weight. Mind you, the munchkin was born 5 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS AGO....but I've decided to hold on to the weight. Nostalgia? Souvenir? Lovely parting gift? Whatever it is, I'm so over it. I don't think it's normal for a tummy to look like a grocery bag. I really don't. So anyway - went shopping and found a FETCH cheetah print pencil skirt that comes up high enough to cover the love handles and gives the illusion of a svelte waist. I would take a picture of it and paste it on here, but I might have to hunt down and kill the first commenter that made any reference to it being a table cloth. So to save my time in jail for something that really matters (like offing my ex-husband - JUST KIDDING), I will just let you imagine it. Trust me - it's FABULOUS! Then, when I thought all else had failed (and was ready to tear my maternity jeans to shreds), I tried on a pair of "Hepburn" jeans by Liz Claiborne.

OMG!!!
Let me say it again.
O.M.F.G!!!

If you a carrying aroung a badonka-donk worthy of setting a thanksgiving turkey on - you have GOT to get these jeans!! If you are tired of your sig. other looking down the back of your jeans and saying "nice chonies" - you have GOT to get these jeans!! If you like BREATHING when you sit down in your jeans, and not getting light headed because your waistband is cutting off blood flow to your brain - YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THESE JEANS!!! Not to mention you will look damn hot while breathing and not passing out.

Sadly though, this is where the fun of trying on clothes ended. Nothing else quite worked. Perhaps I got as high as shoppingly possible with the jeans. Soooooo.......I guess I have only one option now. P90X here I come. Lord, please let me live through this death video.....

And now here we are - FRIDAY. FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY. I'm up. I'm writing. Munchkin is sleeping. Waiting for honey to come back with my breakfast and coffee and then taking him to work. What does the day hold.....I know one thing it holds - LOTS OF WEAVE PATTING!!! Beyonce was NOT KIDDING when she told the ladies to "pat your weave" in the "Get Me Bodied" video. OMG. Beauty has a crazy price. Oh and why do you have to PAT your weave? Beacuse if you scratch your scalp you could loosen the weave and then look like a broke down NYC hooker. NOT A GOOD LOOK. Sooooooooo not a good look.

So there ya go - because I'm so sure my life is so freakin important that you MUST know about the goings ons....is that even a word?? I suppose my life would be more interesting if I were friends with Kate G. Then I could be all cool with her and then come back and give you all the juicy behind the scenes gossip. HAHAHAHAHA....no...I'm not that chic.

Anyhoo - ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND LOVELIES!!!

4 comments:

Steven Anthony said...

your week made me smile;)

enjoy your weekend

Ekanthapadhikan said...

Oh! That sounds like one hell of a week. Fill up your glass with vodka and have a most relaxing weekend - you deserve it.

Eva Gallant said...

If you are carrying around a badonka-donk worthy of setting a thanksgiving turkey on---lol! love it. Gotta look for those Jeans!

SupahMommy said...

oh you are so funny

1. catholic candles
2. broke down NYC hooker
3. badonka-donk.. cuz it's just funny


I have to try those jeans. I think my bodonka- is in my grocery bag area...

glad you're semi-back.. until the bridal world steals you

xoxoxo

 
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Hello! My Name Is Mommy by that one girl is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.