Sunday, August 30, 2009

If Sunday Were An Ant.....

Oh Lord. Today is Monday. It HAS to be because Sundays are NOT supposed to be like this. Sundays should be the day where you laze around in your underwear and contemplate the absolute necessity of shaving your legs. But it's not that kind of Sunday. Nope. At least not for me. Today's Sunday for me actually started Saturday night. After a rousing kinda-sorta argument with the man, he informed me that he would NOT be feeding the munchkin before he went to bed. He was exhausted, had had a bad day and was just going to shower and go to bed. Mind you, he never asked me how MY day was. Because if he had I would have told him that his daughter cried most of the day, slept for a whole 2 hours, and spit up gobs and gobs of thick milky JUNK all over me - ALL DAY. But he didn't ask me. So I didn't tell him. I simply stared, secretly wished my eyes had death lasers in them, and then went to prepare the bottle. HE showered and went to bed. Munchkin thought it wise to remain consistent. So rather than throw mommy for a loop and actually keep some of her dinner down and go right back to sleep, she continued with the spit up and the crying. Now before someone quips 'maybe she's allergic to the formula' or 'maybe she has reflux' or 'maybe she just wasn't feeling well', let me stop you and ask you to try this one on for size....maybe mommy already exhausted all those options and narrowed it down to she is not tolerating the red dye in her Mylicon (dumbass me got the "Original" formula this time because they were out of the dye-free formula - GIGANTIC mistake). So....daddy's ass is clean and he is snoring and mommy reeks of baby innards and dirty hair. Oh - I guess I didn't tell you that due to fussy - scratch that - PISSED OFF baby, mommy didn't get a shower all day. Munchkin didn't actually finally fall asleep until 2:48 this morning. Yep. That's right. 2:48 A.M. That's precisely how my Sunday started last night.

So in my extension of last night, I woke up to the sound of a fussing munchkin at 7:51 a.m.. Ok. I'm grateful for my 5 hours and 3 minutes of eye closure (because I refuse to refer to THAT as sleep), but I wasn't necessarily thrilled to be the one getting up with her. However, the man ALSO made clear last night that he wanted to SLEEP today. S-L-E-E-P. So needless to say that when I woke up this morning I really wanted to pry open his eye, piss in it and tell him to sleep on THAT. But I didn't. I went to the fussing bundle of joy and did what good mommies do.....fed her while planning my escape in my head. I needed to get out of that house before EVERYONE and EVERYTHING got pissed on.....because in case you couldn't tell...I'm really not feelin' it today.

Feeding the munchkin proved to be much less expletive invoking than yesterday and she went down fairly easier too. I had a brief pausing thought that this day might turn around after all. Then I went to make coffee. Forgot my coffee maker is still broken. *&^$^! But it's okay, I thought...I wanted to get out anyway so I'll just get dressed and go out for coffee...and ooohhhh a cupcake....Today is definitely a cupcake day, and I am craving a strawberry filled cupcake from Ooh La La. So I got dressed, packed my bag, checked on the munchkin, and advised still sleeping man that I am stepping out and the munchkin is asleep in her room. Now because he sleeps like a grizzly bear in hibernation I made sure to turn the monitor up EXTRA LOUD in case she wakes up. Hey - it's better than pissing in his eye. And so I'm off - but wait - not before I put gas in the car that the man left on E. But it's's a pit stop...I'm gonna have cupcakes and coffee this morning so IT'S OKAY. I put the gas in the car and head out to Ooh La La, tasting the creamy, sweet goodness all the way there. I actually had a daydream of myself on the way over there. I was being handed the cupcake, and as I took it from the girl behind the counter the cupcake came to life, looked me in the eye, winked and blew me a kiss. It had been waiting for me too. Oh I couldn't wait to get there, and as I got closer I felt the stress of the past 2 days sliding away. Things were about to get soooo much better.

Ooh La WHAT THE F***!!!!!!!!!

CLOSED??? CLOSED?????!!!!!! MOTHERF***IN' CLOSED???????

I'm so done. I hate you Sunday. I think you're an evil bastard whose sole purpose is to bring me to my breaking point and then crush me a little more. If you were an ant I would light you on fire with a magnifying glass and the evil death rays of the sun.

But you're not. So I think the man may just have to go blind in one eye today.

Sunday, you are dead to me....we are NOT friends. Come correct next week.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Oscar Shmoscar...I got a SPLASH!

So YAY! I have received my very first bloggy love award. HOW COOL IS THAT!!! Thanks Ms. Eva! So here's my speech....

First I would like to thank my "birth control" that failed. Had it not been for that I would have nothing interesting to write about. I also wouldn't have vericose veins and bulging veins elsewhere (if ya know what I mean) - but that's a differEnt post for a different time. Maybe tomorrow.

I would also like to thank my honey for the good lovin' that led to the little bambino that came along after the birth control failed. Had it not been for THAT...I would have nothing interesting to write about.

The munchkin MUST get her due props. Without all the fussing, screaming, pooping, spitting up, smiling, cooing, laughing, and all the other nice-ities that come with being a baby, I would have nothing interesting to write about (and you, the reader, would have nothing to point and laugh at)

And finally - thank you Ms. Eva - for sharing in the hilarity (or train wreck depending on how you look at it) that is my life. By inviting others to rubberneck at this AWESOME display of life, you have allowed me to become a little more fabulous, a lot less shamed (is that even a word?), and have "blogtroduced" me to some awesome ladies. So WOOT WOOT to you Ms. Eva! here is the dealy-o on this award....Here is the scoop on this award: The Splash Award is given to alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive, and inspiring blogs.When you receive this award, you must:* Put the logo on your blog/post.* Nominate & link up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.* Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.* Remember to link to the person from whom you received your Splash Award.

I already linked back to the fabulous Eva - but seriously ya'll....check this chic out....I want to be like her when I grow up. She's a freakin' riot!

Ok..then there is Vodkamom whose letters to her children and spouse are truly hilarious....I hope to only live vicariously....the "white me" whose life is a little messed up and I love her for it...I swear sometimes I think we share a brain - which is why she is the "white me" time coke shot out my nose while reading her yourself a favor....put the soda down now....THETA MOM is the mom we all ARE but won't admit to being...well...I will...and I do..regularly...but SHE applauds you for IT...HOW COOL IS THAT....and could I POSSIBLY leave off this one...Look up in the's an unhooked bra's a flying's SUPAHMOMMMYYYYYYYYY.....She puts the words on her blog faster than they can come to my mind....but she is another one that sometimes I wonder if we weren't separated at birth....if you fart while your laughing at her blog, don't blame her....and don't blame me's not our fault you can't hold yours....but it IS her fault she's so damn funny....well maybe it's her kids' fault....hmmmmm.....

So...those are MY nominations for the SPLASH award....if you got it....PASS THIS MOTHA ALONG!!! Spread the bloggy love.....

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Why I do this to myself I don't know, but here I am for your joy and amusement. Why my mother did this to me - well I know that one. She's evil. That's really the only fitting explanation. But anyways.....

OBVIOUSLY this is EONS ago because HEL-LO....I WAS SKINNY! And how about that braid sticking out about a foot from the back of my head? It looks like someone took a turd and hot glued it to my scalp. I also let someone get with in striking distance while I was half naked. Now you may be saying to yourself 'Hold up Mommy. I just saw a half naked picture of you on your last post!' did. But I WAS PREGNANT and hence had a reason to be round. Now, unless you count "sleeping baby in car while mommy runs errands = mommy stops at fast food restaurants to feed face and chugs cokes to keep awake" as a valid reason, there is no one photographing THIS skin anytime soon!

So there is my contribution to THETA MOM THURSDAY by way of THROWBACK THURSDAYS!

What's your contribution? I need something to point and laugh at too.

For My Daughter - "The Gift"

*Forenote - this was written 2 years and 2 months TO THE DAY before my daughter was born. I hadn't even met her father yet, but I knew she was to be.*

To the child I have yet to be blessed with
I give to you my life
I give to you all that it took
To bring you into this world
Every work filled day
Every white wine filled night
Now to the average person
I know this sounds strange
But had it not been
For my crazy, or "misundertood" dad
I wouldn't be who I am today
If it hadn't been for my mama
Livin' a life of fear
I absolutely guarantee you
The woman you see
Wouldn't be standin' here
If I didn't have that boyfriend
Who tried to take the only thing I TRULY own
I wouldn't have the knowledge to teach you
About having a backbone
Had it not been for those "13 in a row" martini nights
And Rocky Point Spring Break Vacations
I would be completely oblivious
To the value of my education
(the 2nd time around)
I can even give to you my marriage
That went strangely awry
Because in realizing my spirit was suffocating
I learned how to exhale
And came face to face
With this amazing strength that lies inside
And so to you my child
With whom I have yet to be blessed
I give to you my life
Because it's given me my best

-always, your mama

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Sweetest Sound


Having a baby heightens things. Things like.....your emotions. Things that once may not have phased you, now leave you speechless. Conversations that you were once able to "leave at the table", now leave you seething...and sometimes contemplating friendships. Compassion turns into empathy turns into "What if that was MY child?" turns into tears. I found myself at the latter end of this spectrum last night.

At approximately 8:30 I received a phone call from my honey's aunt asking us to be in fervent prayer for her 1 year old granddaughter (our cousin). His aunt informed us that she had just received a call from the little girls' mom - she had just found her daughter FACE DOWN in the bathtub, and NOT BREATHING. His aunt was on her way over to the mom's home, who was desperately trying to perform CPR on her little girl while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. I assured her that we would begin praying immediately, and hung up the phone. However, I didn't begin praying immediately. First, I went to check on MY daughter. She was sound asleep in her crib, curled up in a cute little ball, snoring away. And while most other times I might chuckle about her snoring, or complain that between her father and her I will NEVER see a good night's sleep again, last night that sound was like an angel's trumpet in my ear....heavenly. It meant my little girl was breathing...and I thought "God, what if that was MY child?", and on came the tears. I stroked my little girls curly q's and fell into quiet prayer.

Fastforward: Prayer changes everything. Baby girl was revived and conscious by the time they got her to the hospital, and up and playing today. She is an extremely strong little girl, and God obviously has big plans for her, but she has no idea how close she was to.....well...she just has no idea.

In speaking to her mom today I had to ask what happened. She is a fabulous mother with the eye of a hawk. She stays home with her children so that SHE will be the caregiver and not a stranger. For her children, SHE IS LOVE. So how could this have happened to her? The same way it could have happened to any one of us. She was bathing her two children together (ages 2 and 1) and stepped out of the bathroom for 2 SECONDS to grab a towel. In those 2 seconds she believes her daughter may have tried to pull herself up to standing by holding onto the soap dish, her hand slipped, she knocked her head (there is a bruise on baby girl's forehead) and down she went. 2 SECONDS. TWO SECONDS! That's all it took. There are no words in the english (or spanish) language to adequately describe the fear, anguish, and devastation that hit baby girl's mommy in that moment. Imagine walking into your bathroom to find your baby face down under the water. stomach aches just thinking about it. I sat and listened to this mom's story, daring myself to cry, and then heard something that astonished me more than the 'what happened' story itself.


She is not sure if it was her mommy instinct, God, or countless hours of watching shows like ER, Grey's Anatomy, and House, but all of a sudden she was performing Infant CPR on her child. Within three breaths and a few chest pumps her once not breathing child was coughing and spitting up water. Her body was listless, her eyes closed, BUT SHE WAS BREATHING. I guarantee you that at that very moment she said the shortest prayer known to man: THANK YOU GOD.

So, why am I, the "real" mom sharing this story with you all? Because of that very reason...I'M REAL - AND THIS IS AS REAL AS IT GETS. When our children are on the line we find strength we never knew we had, knowledge we never came across in any book, courage to rival that of a Roman Gladiator. I don't think dads understand this, and truthfully, I don't even think WE understand it until we are FORCED into a situation where it is tested. Having said that, I urge you ALL to do the following things...

1. Hug your babies and loved ones extra tight tonight....even if your babies are on them....even if they give you the fuzzy eyeball and tell you how weird you are...LOVE ON never know when they will be snatched from you.

2. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER leave your babies unattended around water. It was an honest mistake. We've all had a temporary lapse in judgment thinking 'oh - it's only a second', or 'oh - the water is not even high...he/she will be fine'. Did you know that a baby can drown in just AN INCH OF WATER? AN INCH! If you are giving a bath and realize you have forgotten to bring the towel in with you, use your own towel. If you're not comfortable with that, just carry your baby out of the bathroom naked and wet. She may shiver and scream, but she'll be WITH YOU.

3. LEARN INFANT/CHILD CPR!! This mommy didn't know it but thanks to the wonders of television and super-producer Michael Crichton, she was able to perform. But let's not rely on tv to save our babies lives. Find your local Red Cross, Parks and Recreation office, or YMCA and sign up for a class. And for those of you who don't have access to any of those, click here.

That is my post for the evening ladies. No punchline. No funny tags. on your babies tonight. Remember how truly precious they are, and just how quickly they can be taken away from us.

I am going to go revel in my sweet baby's snoring. Good night.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Brad...Angie... Meet Your New Daughter

Call the Mommy police. Report me to Parents magazine. Someone get a hold of Brad and Angie and see if they are interested in adding another child to their multi-cultural brood because I. Am. Over. It.

"It" is cute babies. "It" is cute babies who scream un-apologetically. "It" is cute babies who scream un-apologetically for no good reason other than they hate their car seat. And lastly, "It" is cute babies who scream un-apologetically for no good reason other than they hate their car seat and then when you finally try to put them down in their own crib they're not having it. They want YOU. MOMMY. HOLDER OF THE WOMB to hold them while they fall asleep so they can give you a sidelong glance and wry smile as if to say "GOTCHA BITCH." And then, just as they drift off to sleep and you begin to ask God for forgiveness for some of those thoughts you had while all that screaming was going on, you hear the sound that almost sends you into a Gran Mal seizure. She laughs. The screaming baby chuckles and drifts off to sleep, while you are stuck, too scared to move because that wretched screaming might start up again.

So you sit. And you sit. And sit. And eyeball the shot glass and bottle of Jose Cuervo Black that is approximately 10 feet away. And you're still sitting. have to pee.

Good thing it's laundry day.

I'm so over it.

*Once again, because I just know SOME MOTHER out there is wagging her finger at me and muttering about how grateful I should be to have such a blessing and yaddah yaddah yaddah....I AM GRATEFUL. I LOVE MY KID. HOWEVER, IT'S BEEN A DAY. And in case you missed blog header DOES say "Things Nobody Says Out Loud..."*

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Extreme - Not Just A Rock Band Anymore

I am a low drama but high intensity kinda girl. I like to keep it lighthearted, easy not sleazy, and neat-o mosquito. But every now and again something comes along that makes my heart lurch a little bit...almost with a tense anxiousness that pops up when you least expect it. You (the reader) are probably wondering where I'm going with this...pondering about what the punchline is going to be. Well, there is no punchline. I will just say it.

Extremism scares me.

What is "extremism"? In my book it's when people are extremely to the left, or so extremely to the right that they can not see the common ground that either side is standing upon. Extremism lends itself to ignorance, intolerance, blind hostility, and a myriad of other social ills that we (as a people) tend to on a day to day basis.

Now someone once tried to argue me down by saying that if I didn't feel strongly this way or strongly that way, then I was wishy washy, and that was more dangerous than being an extremist. According to this person I was too easily swayed because I look for the "grey" areas. I don't necessarily agree with that view point though. Nothing (and I do mean nothing) in this world is AT ALL as it seems, so in my opinion, you should look for the grey areas. For me, grey = common and once you can find the commonality in things you can begin to move forward and make substantial progress. And just because you're grey does not mean that you don't have a set of beliefs on which you stand firm. For me it just means that you are more understanding of the beliefs of others - even if you don't agree with them.

I'm going to teach my daughter to be "grey" too. If she is going to live in this world with all the millions of different cultures, beliefs, religions, etc. , she's got to be. She will learn to be compassionate to the plights of others, understanding of why different people do different things, and tolerant of peoples differences. HOWEVER...I do not expect her to be tolerant of ignorance, hate, violence, and intolerance, among other things. In my opinion, those are all the beginnings of dangerous extremism, and if she's going to be an extremist of any sort, let it be in love and peace - something that will bring people together as opposed to drawing the dividing lines deeper in the sand.

Throwback Thursdays!!!!

Alright ya''s time for a little thing I invented for my blog called THROWBACK THURSDAYS (there should be an echo after one says that)!!!! So here's what ya do...

1. find an old pic of yourself...childhood...awkward teen years...drunk college days...whatever...find it and then post it on your blog

2. share the story that goes with that picture

3. thank me later for the countless hours you will waste tripping down memory lane....and thank THETA MOM for giving you a reason to take an hour for yourself!

I'll go can can can even do both...but if we ever meet I will deny this post ever existed...after I punch you in the head...JUST KIDDING.... no, but really...I'm not.

So here's my contribution to THETA MOM THURSDAY by way of THROWBACK THURSDAY! (remember what I said about that pointing and laughing business)

So that is me...age 5, I believe. And yes. That is foil on my head. Why, you ask? Well, if you ask my mother it was so the aliens could communicate with me when they wanted to take me back up in the mothership. She thought she was so funny. Obviously she didn't stop to think about who will be taking care of her in her old age. That's right. Me. Her only child. Ha Ha Ha now, Mother.

Anyhoo...the real reason for the foil on the head was because I was getting a deep conditioning treatment on my hair and someone told my mom that the foil would act as a heat conductor and my hair would end up super silky. Well, I don't know if that was the outcome, but I DO remember feeling like an idiot with that damn foil cap, and being pissed to high hell there was a camera involved.

But as they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I am soooooooo gonna be stuck in Shady Acres retirement home. I just hope she doesn't fill my denture bond tube with Preparation-H, and my Prep-H tube with my denture bond....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

And So It Shall Be....


It was going to be "Mucho Madness Mondays" but then King of New York Hacks had this fabulous idea! Then I got to thinking....reliving some of our mommy moments and back in the day debacles might make, those mojitos more of a necessity than a the name sticks!

So.....come back on Monday and make us laugh! Well, come back before then never know what sort of insanity honey, 10, 12, and 2 months will coax out of me!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Will it be.....

I want a "special day" for my blog...but not Worldess Wednesday b/c everyone has that....I was thinking Mucho Madness Mondays where everyone shares their funniest mommy stories....or funniest "back in the day" stories...something to get us laughin' as we start the week off....


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Mylicon, Will You Marry Me?

Not too many posts ago I made mention that I have often contemplated purchasing stock in Trojans. Well, I may be going broke because mama just discovered MYLICON.

Now before I wax poetic about the beautiful little blue box, let me first say TO ALL MY MOMMY FRIENDS WHO READ THIS AND DIDN'T TELL ME SUCH AN AMAZING PRODUCT EXISTED - YOU'RE ALL DEAD TO ME. To my expecting mommy friends who read this - I expect my name to be listed somewhere on that birth certificate.

OMG MYLICON! Where have you been the past three months of my life?? Seriously. For the last three months I have been dealing with a beautiful baby girl who burps like a Kappa Sig frat boy, and farts like she's been eating Taco Bell since day one! Seriously! I've never smelt such rank baby farts. And the crying. Don't even let me begin....the one thing I LOVE and WANT TO COMMIT MOMMY-CIDE over (that's when you just play dead for a while hoping dad will tend to baby - make sure you don't blink too much or you'll give yourself away) is my daughter's strong will. At three months the girl is no quitter when it comes to getting what she wants, which leads me to believe that this may carry on into her formative years and I will have one successful little munchkin on my hands. 2 in the damn morning you're wondering if she will even make it to her formative years if she keeps it up. *NOW HERE IS MY DISCLAIMER FOR YOU UBER-SENSITIVE MOMS OUT THERE - I'M JUST KIDDING!!! I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER IN A MILLION BAZILLION YEARS DO ONE OUNCE OF HARM TO MY DAUGHTER. QUIT DIALING CPS* But seriously ladies...ya feel me?? We've all been there.....

But walked Mylicon....small in size but HUGE in effect (much like, and UN like some boys in my past)....1 tiny little drop to the inner cheek and I swear on my favorite pair of panties (I'm still wearing my maternity panties - haha) she was out in LESS THAN ONE MINUTE! ONE FREAKIN' MINUTE YA'LL!!! That's less time than it takes me to breathe again after inhaling a nose full of one of her farts!!!

Seriously. Mylicon, I heart you.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I Love It At Your Own Risk

In today's time it is very VERY easy to decide to just drown your sorrows in a large bottle of Jose Cuervo Black. Trust me. I know. I HAVE BEEN HAVING A STARING CONTEST WITH ONE FOR THE PAST WEEK - BUT I THINK I'M WEARING IT DOWN.

I would totally do it though if there was some sort of guarantee I wouldn't wake up tomorrow with a raging headache and an evil trip to the potty....anyways, in lieu of drunk dialing/texting/blogging, I am going to make a list. A list that I will share with you at the risk of being laughed at, pointed at, laughed and pointed, called a heathen, losing followers, and my mother finding my blog and phone scolding me. So feast your eyes, grab your bibles, get your throw up is a possibly long list of 50 THINGS I LOVE AND AM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT TO (not to be confused with 50 THINGS I LOVE AND WILL TAKE TO MY GRAVE WITH ME)....

1. my daughter (like you didn't think she would be number 1...well let me not lie..she almost wasn' steve maddens were jockeying for that spot)
2. my honey (as with my daughter, he almost lost out to my purses)
3. Ben n' Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice Cream (i don't share it. don't even ask. don't even get close to me when i'm eating it. i'm not responsible for injuries incurred)
4. sushi
5. hooker heels (that's what i call my fave pairs of stiletto's)
6. wine
7. puerto rican food
8. italian food
9. food my honey cooks (eat your hearts out ladies - he's in culinary school)
10. food.
11. the word "bitch" - as in "my bitches"....or "yeeeeaaaahhhhhh bitcheeeeesssssss" not at all meant in a derogatory form, but as a term of endearment shared between me and my closest girls
12. compromising positions
13. complicated positions
14. compromising while in complicated positons
15. ketchup on white rice
16. martini's
17. good coffee
18. my honey's fuzzy back (i know - i never thought i could either)
19. the way my daughter smiles at me as soon as she opens her peepers and we lock eyes
20. writing (obviously - i spend HOW MUCH TIME on here daily???)
21. FRIENDS (the tv show - not my own...JUST KIDDING GIRLS!)
22. Vince Carter, Jason Statham, The Rock, and Idris Elba - in no particular order...they all make me drop trow...
23. oral communication
24. aural communication
25. the fact that some people don't get #23 and #24
26. make up
27. the fact that my honey still thinks i'm hot when i haven't shaved my legs in three weeks and my hair is a hot mess....or maybe he's just a horny bastard trying to get some...either one works for me
28. the looks on people's faces when i start speaking spanish
29. trying to copy something Samantha and Smith Jarrod did
30. trashy celeb gossip (hel-lo...i'm puerto rican...that's what we live for!)
31. the fact that my mother refers to Jennifer Lopez as "Jenny" or "la Jenny" if she is part of the family
32. coupons (i'm cheap and broke and not afraid to hold your ass up in line presenting my $50 in coupons)
33. the fact that so far i have found 33 things i love
36. butterflies
37. being a neurotic first time mom
38. the way my honey looks at me
39. thursday nights
40. my purse collection
41. having sex in the morning
42. naughty texts, emails, phone calls from my honey in the middle of the day
43. HAVING A JOB (which i don't have right now but want desperately so if you know someone, or you are someone, and you or someone you know needs someone - hook a girl up - PLEASE!)
44. the fact that i have found ten more things to love since the last time i typed this sentence
45. The Holy Trinity
46. pork rinds
47. cracklin's (i just discovered these and YUM...but you can only eat so much at one sitting - otherwise it's baaaaaddddd news)
48. cheese - lots of it....even though it makes me a tad bit gassy (i'm lying about that "tad bit" part)
49. having a clean desk
50. having a neurotically organized pantry (i might be a tad OCD...just a little)

What do YOU love, oh reader of the blog?

Monday, August 10, 2009

June Cleaver Would Give Me 2 Thumbs Down....

So...I have been out of the loop for a hot minute....grandma came to visit,ruined the munchkin, and I have been trying to rehabilitate her to the way Mommy and Daddy do offense to you grandma's out there....but ya'll are like crack to a baby....ya hold 'em and hold 'em and then leave us to deal with the withdrawals....thanks ya' the words of our most idiotic genius Paris Hilton - "that's hot"....

Munchkin is asleep...honey is asleep...and I...well I'm blogging....about - well, nothing...but in my nothingness I am also reminiscing on days long gone...and secretly wondering if my daughter serves as God's assurance that I will never return to my party girl days without feeling a shred of guilt....Will I ever partake in another keg stand (hahaha....this time my boobs won't suffocate me)...Do i still get to make out in parked cars until the windows get really steamy so I can finger draw inappropriate pictures on the window (didn't know stick figures could do that did you?)....and what about the shacker walk o' and my shacker SHACKED UP! My walk o'shame is from the bathroom to the bed and the shame comes into play only if we had mexican food for dinner (don't act like refried beans don't mess ya'll up's like a battle of the butts in our house - hard to believe that coming from such a prima - i

But really...what happens now....does my life turn into June Cleaver? Am I required to wear an apron and whisper the word "sex" and sip my Chardonnay and never drink beer out of the bottle???? What about cursing?? I like to drop an F-bomb every now and makes me feel good...Sometimes I like to do all of the aforementioned in the same day...I like to clean my house in booty shorts, a tiny tee and my highest heels...I figure if I have to do the damn thing I might as well be hot doing it(besides - the heels TOTALLY keep your calves engaged and gives you a killer workout...try cleaning your ceiling fan with them on - beats ANY weight thingy at the gym)...But if I do this, will my apron burst into - what if I am relaxing with a Blue Moon screaming F YOU at Rachel Ray on my television (my favorite pastime)...and then later on I say out loud to my honey - "let's go have some hot sex" (my other favorite pastime) that very moment what happens...does my womb seal itself up forever because I have exceeded my lifetime limit in ludicrousness and can no longer be considered a candidate for a good role model for children? Does Martha Stewart show up at my door and demand her cookware that I bought on sale at Macy's back because a potty mouth like me can not be trusted to make delicious desserts and set gorgeous tables (which I do btw - and sometimes when they don't work out right I drop an F-bomb)? Basically, what I want to know is this: Now that I am a "mommy" do I have to deny to people that I sometimes can relate more to Samantha than I can to Charlotte, that I think beer is man's best invention next to push-up bra's and NYC hot dog carts, and that every now and then I contemplate purchasing stock in Trojans (haven't started my pills yet - next cycle I swear)??

I think all of these things as I sit here and think of what to blog about...and then I hear the one thing that not only makes soda shoot out my nose, but also reassures me that no - nothing really has to change too much...the guy on tv has just put on a pair of "manties" aka "man panties"....this is the funniest thing I have heard all day. June Cleaver would frown in disdain...I revel in the hilarity of it inner 20 year old lives here's my new question...would it be inappropriate to partake in a "tasty beverage" while feeding the munchkin? Is that just pushing it a bit too far? Hmmmm....What would Samantha do??

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Longest Day Of The Rest Of My Life

The commercial says "Having a baby changes everything". I used to hate that commercial. Who doesn't know that?? Especially being that I have worked in child development and family empowerment for the last ten years - that was just wasted airtime and breath...even the 16 year old boy with the knocked up girlfriend knew that - that's why he freaks out DAILY.

Then today happened - and the know it all knew nothing. In order for you to fully understand the magnitude of this freak out session I have to give you a bit of history. On May 14, 2009 Emory Yvonne Webster entered the world. Aside from her being incredibly white ( we look any BIT white??) and having a bum arm (my girl's got Erb's Palsy ya'll - say your prayers it goes away), she was perfect. Not a spot on her. We (okay well, I) enjoyed 4 glorious responsibility free days in the hospital and then brought our sweetpea home. So far so good - nothing had really changed as the lame-o commercial SWORE it would, and little Miss Know It All (i.e. ME)went on knowing it all. Then about 4 days after bringing Em home this little pink dot showed up on her right temple. It was teeny weeny and I thought nothing of it. When it didn't go away after a few days I decided to just keep my eye on it and remember to ask her doctor at her 2 month check up. When a month and 12 days went by and it went from a small pin prick of a dot to this raised, red bump it was more than enough to make the know it all take pause. I showed my honey and we agreed it didn't look right, we didn't like the fact it was growing, and we wanted her doctor to look at it sooner rather than later. Our doc agreed to bump her 2 month visit up 2 weeks and saw her about 9 days after we called. Naturally I, the first time, neurotic mom was all kinds of nervous and worried but good old doc was very casual about the whole thing.

"Oh that? That's just a hemangioma, or a strawberry mole. Nothing to worry about. They are fairly common and they go away on there own - usually by the time the child is 6-9 months. It will continue to grow and others may pop up - but I promise you - nothing to worry about."

Okay, so neurotic mom is happy and breathing again and all is right in the world. with all neurotic moms - one doctor can't know it all. Sooooo..I call my girlfriend who is an opthamological plastic surgeon and ask her about it. She asks me to email her pics of it - which of course I do IMMEDIATELY - and she agrees with doc - typical strawberry hemangioma - nothing to worry about. Doctor number three says the same thing. So I leave good enough alone. HOWEVER - by this point the once teeny weeny is now FREAKIN' HUGE

and I'm just NOT feelin it. BUT all doctors agree and one is personally invested since she's one of my best friends - so high maintenance know it all neurotic mom decides to just chill and let the hemangioma from hell do it's thing.

Until today.

Today the commercial that I long before loathed played over and over in my spinning head. Today, while sitting watching a video at the WIC office my daughter began to spontaneously BLEED FROM HER HEAD. At first I couldn't tell where it was coming from - then I spotted it - the hemangioma. The "no need to worry" pin prick had now swelled to a size too big for its own good and was now relieving itself in the form of blood running profusely down my daughters face. Yes, you read right. My daughter began to spontaneously bleed from the thing I - first time neurotic mom - was not supposed to worry about.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?????? Excuse my language - I really try not to curse on my blog but NOBODY SAID ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT SPONTANEOUS BLEEDING!!!!!

So I run out of the office and ask them to call a doctor or someone that can help me because I don't know what the hell is going on. (I should make mention that during this entire ordeal my daughter is totally chill - has absolutely no idea that her head is leaking) While waiting for the paramedics to show up I called my honey and advised him of what was going on and within 8 minutes he was there. Mind you at the normal speed limit he was a good 25 minutes away, and within those 8 minutes she stopped bleeding. However, the paramedics advised that we should just take her to her pediatrician - the same pediatrician who said "IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT". We follow their advice and on the way there I mentally prepared the verbal bitch-slap I'm about to give her. She didn't say crap about this bleeding thing so in my mind I was right and she was wrong and I was going to demand a referral to someone/somewhere better. Might I add that while we were in the waiting room the spontaneous bleeding started up once again.

I WAS FUMING. My fear and concern had morphed into pissed the hell off. That verbal bitch slap was getting longer and louder in my head. Finally her doc calls us in and I'm all set to let her have it. But she beat me to it.

"See here - look at these pictures of other children who have had hemangiomas. They are all much larger than Emory's. And look here - it says right here that bleeding and ulceration is normal. It's part of the process and is usually a sign that it is starting to go away on its own. See - this is all part of the process...IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT."

I question her again and again - confirming that it really is nothing to worry about. I read the passage in the medical book over and over again - not fully believing that there was nothing to worry about. But there it was - "Bleeding is typical and common for hemangiomas". So that was it. Plain and simple. My child is going to bleed from her head until this hemangioma thing goes away. Nothing to worry about. Nothing nothing....nothing.

This is going to be a really long rest of my life if she's gonna keep giving me "nothing to worry about"......

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Krogers Helps Save Beautiful Shoes

So if you go back a couple of days, you will find the post Drinks Are on Kroger in which I so lovingly inform ya'll about saving money and buying shoes (or drinks, or shoes to go drinking in). Some of you ladies were shocked that I could find name brand heels for as low as $10. Well I hate to brag (excuse me, would you mind dusting off my shoulder please?) but here is yet ANOTHER example of Krogers contributing to my Save The Beatiful Shoes fund.

Eat your hearts out ladies!!!

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Hello! My Name Is Mommy by that one girl is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.