Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tiptoeing All Around

I think perhaps I may be a horrible, horrible human being. 8's grandmother is tiptoeing the line between the clouds and the land. We have been told that she will be dead by Monday at the very latest. And 8 has asked me to come with him to her home tomorrow. Of course I will go. Not only because I adore his grandmother, but because I love him with every ounce of life that courses through my veins. And with every ounce of life that is leaving hers.

But I am selfish.

I am horrible.

I don't want to go.

I absolutely do NOT want to watch death steal life from this woman.

I absolutely do NOT want to watch death push and prod and pull on everyone's heartstrings....teasing us....taunting us....bringing us to the brink of relief and soulful pain time and time again, only to laugh in our face and say "no, not yet...i'm not ready for her yet"

I do not want to sit in the house and listen to death slowly rob her from us, breath by shallow breath

I do not want to sit and watch life die

It is selfish of me. I know this. Because I am not thinking of 8 in this equation of birth + first breath = life and life + last breath = death.

I have watched death tip toe, jump, run rampant, and sprint through the people I love. I do not feel like I can do this again. Every encounter scrounges up memories of the last encounter, and while rumor has it that it is supposed to get easier as you get older, it is just that - a rumor.

Death will never be easy for me. I will never accept death as the norm. I will never accept death as the norm. I will never accept death as the norm.

Cancer, I hate you.

Death, go away. and don't come back. not even on a rainy day. don't come back. don't come back.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009


and last but surely not least......


If I Can't Blog Tomorrow It's Because My Hands Caught On Fire

Yep. You read right. There is a very real possibility that my hands could spontaneously combust tomorrow.

For those of you that don't know, which is probably most of you because I recently went MIA for about two weeks - I GOT A J-O-B!!!! I am no longer filled with the guilt of a catholic hooker. I am a contributing part of my household, and yes, I am thrilled to be paying taxes once again. Weird, right? It's like that high you get when your period FINALLY shows up after being one minute late. You know that feeling - well, not you Ethanblippity-blop or Steve least I hope you guys don't. But anyhoo, yes...mama got a job.'s in a bridal salon.


But a VERY BAD THING for my honey.

Because see, he has yet to adorn my left handringfingerjustbelowthesecondknuckle with a shiny, sparkly bauble. Now yes, he has bought me a ring with diamonds.....and that's exactly what it is... A RING WITH DIAMONDS. A beautiful ring with diamonds that I absolutely LOVE, but if you're breathing and you're a girl and you've watched SATC a gazillion times, you know there is a difference between A RING WITH DIAMONDS and A DIAMOND RING.

Here is my ring with diamonds.....

It's beautiful. It's antique in style and fits me perfectly. I gasped when he gave it to me last Christmas. I love my ring with diamonds.

However, I'm a mom to HIS kid now. We live together. We talk about THAT day as if it's just around the corner. And now I work in a bridal salon. I promised myself I wouldn't touch any of the dresses because I knew that would be the end of me. All so called patience would run screaming from my body and I would end up a hot mess, crying every day saying "why won't he marry me" (and I swear if anyone makes that stupid cow and milk reference I will say very not nice things about you in blogland....even if I have to make them up...and I have a VERY good imagination). But then this conversation took place with my boss before I left today....

Me: Ok....So I'll see you tomorrow.

Him: Yep. Big day for you. You're trying on dresses tomorrow.

Me: I'm sorry. Did you say I'm trying on dresses tomorrow?

Him: Yes ma'am.....and veils and tiara's too.

Me: (lookin' like a deer trapped in approaching headlights) Ahhhh...ok...see you tomorrow!

Me in my head: ohshitohshitohshitohshit......what the eff....what the freakin' eff....I haven't TOUCHED a wedding dress in 4.5 years ON PURPOSE.....crapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!!!!!

I haven't told my honey this is happening tomorrow. He knows it will happen at some point in my training but he doesn't know tomorrow is the day. I haven't told him because if he responds with "Ha! Have fun with that" and I punch him in the mouth out of sheer reflex, I might go to jail. And I don't want him raising the munchkin without me. He might send her off to school one day with a giant, nappy mess for hair, and I can't have my girl lookin' like she's homeless. She's just too cute for that. And honestly, I'm too cute for jail. I ain't tryin' to be nobody's bitch. I got my own bitches.....heeeeeeeyyyyyyy bitcheeeeeeesssssssss...ya'll know who you are.....

So anyways, if I don't blog tomorrow, it's most likely because my hands caught on fire after touching a wedding ensemble. Which I suppose would save my honey the trouble of having to replace my ring with diamonds with a DIAMOND RING.

I keep mentioning that in the hopes that he might decide to actually read this post sometime in the near future and feel a sense of urgency to make a shiny, sparkly purchase for my lefthandringfingerjustbelowthesecondknuckle. Should he get hit with such inspiration, here is a little help.....

Something like this, or even this one in particular, would look a-freakin-mazing on my lefthandringfingerjustbelowthesecondknuckle. I'm just sayin'.....

But then again, if my hands catch on fire, he won't have to worry about that will he....

unless it comes in an ultra fabulous toe ring......

please u wouldn't......don't front.....

Monday, October 19, 2009


I would like to preface this by saying that this is THE BEST drinking game on the planet.....

I NEVER.......

1. regret eating an entire pint of Ben n Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream in one regret that is the equivalent of regretting great sex......ITS JUST PLAIN ASANINE!!! However, if forced to choose one day between the great sex and the great ice cream....oooohhhhh...I think the ice cream just might win....can't get sweat in your eye eating ice cream (and isnt that just the WORST!!! SWEAT IN THE EYE - EW!)

2. have seen a James Bond movie either, Supah. Nor have I seen any of the Star Wars films. And I have no desire too either. In my opinion...SNORING-BORING!

3. ever ever ever in life found Denzel Washington to be the slightest bit attractive. I think there must be some unwritten code somewhere that as a breathing female I am supposed to just lose all composure and have orgasms on command when his horse grin shows up on the screen...but ahhhh....yeah - not so much for me. Now let Idris Elba pop up and the panties come DOWN! He is one tall glass of SLAP YO MAMA HE'S FINE!

4. never really understood the "mama bear" syndrome people talk about when women have babies - until I had one. I would tear someone to itty bitty pieces if they EVER hurt the munchkin - physically or emotionally. I have come to realize that in this arena, I will be THAT mom. The neck roll and "I wish you would" tone of Clair Huxtable, paired with the slightly neurotic tendencies of Rosie Perez in "Do The Right Thing". Except not so nasally.

+ =

5. have had the balls to admit that......ahhhhh.....some things are better left a let's just say i've never admitted SOMETHING in life....and I'm not about to start coming clean now....


Friday, October 16, 2009

My Life in Rewind

What a week, what a week! Would anyone like to switch places.....i'm kinda cute and my honey is a hottie...have a cute kid and awesome neighbors.....well....don't talk to the nosey nelly across the street....she's so nosey she can tell you what color underwear you have on....but otherwise - please let's do a little swap.....ONLY IF THIS SWAP INVOLVES LOTS OF VODKA, A BEACH, BALMY WEATHER, AND A HOT CABANA BOY NAMED PAULO.

No?? Nobody? Ugh. You guys suck.

So here's my week in review....

Monday - got dolled up for a job interview. Job pays well but OMG I would probably blow my brains out on DAY ONE! The place is soooooo quiet. And I'd be answering phones - ALL DAY. It made me think that if I worked there I would pee my pants AT MY DESK just to have something to talk about/laugh about/cause a raucous about. Of couurse THAT would get me fired, so I left deciding that job was definitely NOT for me. HOWEVER, when I got home from THAT interview I received a phone call from a bridal shop I had interviewed at and HEY HEY YA'LL...YA'LL CAN STOP LIGHTIN' THOSE CATHOLIC PRAYER CANDLES CUZ MAMA GOT A J-O-B!!!! Hells yeah bitcheeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!! I get to dress brides-to-be in beautiful dresses ALL DAY LONG!!! This is soooo up my alley - I am thrilled beyond all belief!

Tuesday - drove to Austin to say "see you when I get there" to my honey's grandmother. She is currently dying from cancer. I will say this - it is a blessing and a curse that this is the first time I have encountered cancer close up and in my face. And you know what - I HATE CANCER! And I don't hate anything in life - mom always said "don't use the word 'hate' - it's a strong word" I have lived by that rule my entire life. But I'm saying it - I HATE CANCER. It's ugly, horrible, evil - satan's incarnate. I have never sat by someone's side and just STARED at their chest, willing it to rise one more time...praying for on more heave of labored breath....and then having my own breathing stop when hers stops - only to realize it's just a pause. Torn between wanting her pain to come to an end praying for Jesus to come take her, and selfishly not wanting to let her go. I watched death tip-toe around her room all day long. I will say it again. Sorry mom but I HATE CANCER.

Wednesday - Slept alllllll daaaaaaaayyyyyyyy loooooooonnnnnnnnggggggggg. Me, honey, and munchkin. We were EXHAUSTED!

Thursday - I will lovingly call this "fat ass shopping day" because that is EXACTLY what it was. I headed out to our lovely Premium Outlets (which is waaaayyyy too close to my house - bad things happen to my wallet there) to purchase some new clothes for work. Somehow, I have managed to hold on to this baby weight. Mind you, the munchkin was born 5 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS AGO....but I've decided to hold on to the weight. Nostalgia? Souvenir? Lovely parting gift? Whatever it is, I'm so over it. I don't think it's normal for a tummy to look like a grocery bag. I really don't. So anyway - went shopping and found a FETCH cheetah print pencil skirt that comes up high enough to cover the love handles and gives the illusion of a svelte waist. I would take a picture of it and paste it on here, but I might have to hunt down and kill the first commenter that made any reference to it being a table cloth. So to save my time in jail for something that really matters (like offing my ex-husband - JUST KIDDING), I will just let you imagine it. Trust me - it's FABULOUS! Then, when I thought all else had failed (and was ready to tear my maternity jeans to shreds), I tried on a pair of "Hepburn" jeans by Liz Claiborne.

Let me say it again.

If you a carrying aroung a badonka-donk worthy of setting a thanksgiving turkey on - you have GOT to get these jeans!! If you are tired of your sig. other looking down the back of your jeans and saying "nice chonies" - you have GOT to get these jeans!! If you like BREATHING when you sit down in your jeans, and not getting light headed because your waistband is cutting off blood flow to your brain - YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THESE JEANS!!! Not to mention you will look damn hot while breathing and not passing out.

Sadly though, this is where the fun of trying on clothes ended. Nothing else quite worked. Perhaps I got as high as shoppingly possible with the jeans. Soooooo.......I guess I have only one option now. P90X here I come. Lord, please let me live through this death video.....

And now here we are - FRIDAY. FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY. I'm up. I'm writing. Munchkin is sleeping. Waiting for honey to come back with my breakfast and coffee and then taking him to work. What does the day hold.....I know one thing it holds - LOTS OF WEAVE PATTING!!! Beyonce was NOT KIDDING when she told the ladies to "pat your weave" in the "Get Me Bodied" video. OMG. Beauty has a crazy price. Oh and why do you have to PAT your weave? Beacuse if you scratch your scalp you could loosen the weave and then look like a broke down NYC hooker. NOT A GOOD LOOK. Sooooooooo not a good look.

So there ya go - because I'm so sure my life is so freakin important that you MUST know about the goings that even a word?? I suppose my life would be more interesting if I were friends with Kate G. Then I could be all cool with her and then come back and give you all the juicy behind the scenes gossip.'m not that chic.


Monday, October 12, 2009

MeMe Monday - for my FRIEND Supah


As I read the prompts on Supah's page I found myself cracking up thinking about my fave episodes, the quotes I infuse into any conversation I can, and the way EVERYTHING related back to Friends back in the day....

I mean - who didn't have the "we were on a break" argument with their college boyfriend???

Who didn't have an evil neighbor like Mr. Heckles, or a hot neighbor like Paulo? (unlucky/lucky me - I DID!)

And didn't we all dress up like Princess Leia for our honey's? No? Yeah - me neither. There was no way my boob was fittin' in that mini funnel of a bra...but i certainly thought about it!

So for my contribution to MeMe Monday, I choose: WHICH FRIENDS CHARACTER ARE YOU MOST LIKE??

In my head I think Monica....I am neurotic. OCD to the nth degree. I organize my pantry. I alphabetize my spices. I have my ottoman strategically placed for optimum foot resting. My closet is organized by color, sleeve length and collar style. So in my head I.AM.MONICA.

IN REALITY, I AM PHOEBE. Through and through, I am Phoebe to the core. I make up stupid songs for EVERYTHING. I see the good in all people. I fall in love with boys that move away. I find the quirkiest ways to rationalize things so that they make sense in my head. I believe the spirit of my dad, best friend, and grandmother come to visit me in the form of butterflies whenever I'm feeling sad, or am confused. I think it's TOTALLY okay to run like a five year old through a park full of crowded people because I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME.

Truth be told, some friends of mine have actually nicknamed me Phoebe b/c of my nutty idiosyncrasies...go figure.

So to copy Supah - I guess I would PHOENICA...said with a long "o" and the "i" sounding like a long "e", it sounds like the name of a girl from the hood....

and my fave friends episode....gosh - there are so freakin many....I love the flashback episodes (Supah your post had me CRYING!!!! I imagined myself on the floor with Nenny just ACHING with laughter. If I ever meet DBD I am going to introduce myself as Tubbs)...the "we were on a break" episode is classic b/c it spawned the all time greatest comeback of all times...

Rachel: "Well it's NOT okay, and it DOESN'T happen to everybody!"
Chandler: "I KNEW IT!"

I think I peed my pants during that episode....I mean really - 13 pages front and back....FRONT AND BACK!!!

THE PROPOSAL. Ok. Tell the truth. Were you or were you NOT on your knees with Monica when she was asking Chandler to marry her?? Or did you or did you not cry right along with her when Chandler surprised HER?!

Ugh...I could go on and on....there are so many great Friends moments....but I can without falter that it will go down in my history book as one of the greatest show of all times....and I'm not a TV person...but there are three shows that I have religiously never missed - not even repeats...The Cosby Show, Friends, and Sex and The City.....

Ahhhhhh........where's my remote...I know ONE of these is on right now......

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I Ain't Mr. Kotter, But Welcome Me Back, Dammit!

Wow. Ok...2 weeks out and now I'm back. Honestly, I couldn't tell you why I stopped blogging for those couple of weeks. I wanted to. I thought about it. I drove around and thought to myself "ohhhh I gotta blog about this!", but never did. So I guess one could say that perhaps I had bloggers block.

So in an effort to catch you all up (as if you all really care because I am just that important) - here is my life in fastforward...

Munchkin laughed a couple of times, but has yet to do it again

10 and 12's mom is threatening to move to Dallas with them - not sure how I feel about this - how i REALLY feel

got a full on WEAVE (yay for white girl hair!)

Had a job interview with David's Bridal for a bridal consultant position

Have an interview with a non profit agency on Monday for a Parent Educator position

8 and I seem to be doing very well....although there are definitely days I'd like to smother him in his sleep, for the most part he is the love of my life

oh...and how could I forget....

Much to my chagrin, 8 has brought a tv the size of a small country into the home, which now puts a tv in the bedroom....while initially I was a fan of this idea b/c now I can watch shows I'D like to watch, instead of 24 hour ESPN, now I am wondering if this was really a good idea. I feel like we spend even less hang out time together now.....maybe that's why we've been getting along so well....hmmmm...something to ponder.....

So there...that was my life in fast forward. And now that I go back and read it, I have no idea why you guys read my blog...I am one boring ass damn if I don't make boring look good, right?

HAHAHAHAAHA.....I crack myself up!

until next time lovelies......
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Hello! My Name Is Mommy by that one girl is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.