I think perhaps I may be a horrible, horrible human being. 8's grandmother is tiptoeing the line between the clouds and the land. We have been told that she will be dead by Monday at the very latest. And 8 has asked me to come with him to her home tomorrow. Of course I will go. Not only because I adore his grandmother, but because I love him with every ounce of life that courses through my veins. And with every ounce of life that is leaving hers.
But I am selfish.
I am horrible.
I don't want to go.
I absolutely do NOT want to watch death steal life from this woman.
I absolutely do NOT want to watch death push and prod and pull on everyone's heartstrings....teasing us....taunting us....bringing us to the brink of relief and soulful pain time and time again, only to laugh in our face and say "no, not yet...i'm not ready for her yet"
I do not want to sit in the house and listen to death slowly rob her from us, breath by shallow breath
I do not want to sit and watch life die
It is selfish of me. I know this. Because I am not thinking of 8 in this equation of birth + first breath = life and life + last breath = death.
I have watched death tip toe, jump, run rampant, and sprint through the people I love. I do not feel like I can do this again. Every encounter scrounges up memories of the last encounter, and while rumor has it that it is supposed to get easier as you get older, it is just that - a rumor.
Death will never be easy for me. I will never accept death as the norm. I will never accept death as the norm. I will never accept death as the norm.
Cancer, I hate you.
Death, go away. and don't come back. not even on a rainy day. don't come back. don't come back.
Don't.
Come.
Back.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
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5 comments:
This post just made me start bawling. I felt the same way as you just a few months ago. My father-in-law died of cancer in August. We moved in with the family so that we could help take care of him b/c he had gotten so bad that he could do nothing for himself. He wanted to be at home so he could be with his family. I felt so bad b/c I have never been in a situation where I knew death was around the corner. I didn't want to be there, I was scared. I hated it b/c I feel like I didn't support my husband as well as I should have. I think I'm going to make a blog entry about him.
As hard as it is, you have to go and take babygirl with you. It will just make her day to see that sweet face.
THANK YOU JAMIELYNN....Though I feek bad, as you did...there is some comfort (as weird as it seems) in knowing that how i feel is somewhat normal....
Cancer is my biggest fear.
Put all your emotions aside except for compassion and love for her. Visit and bring her joy.
Forgive any typo's Im crying...this post so heaartfelt, my god how I understand, your words, memories of my mom, cancer stole her long before she left this planet.... I will say a prayer for you tonight...nothing says it better than your own words...
Death will never be easy for me. I will never accept death as the norm. I will never accept death as the norm. I will never accept death as the norm.
Cancer, I hate you.
Death, go away. and don't come back. not even on a rainy day. don't come back. don't come back.
Don't.
Come.
Back.
Posted
awww
i hope that you found some source of strength today
im sorry that i missed this
im just now catching up
thinking of you
x0xxoox
d
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