Friday, July 31, 2009

Pre-Baby Weight + Post-Baby Shape = Pissed Off Mama

Just when I thought I would have absolutely NOTHING to blog about today, my fat ass and grocery bag belly showed up, showed out, and saved the day. Yay for my ever-so-fragile-since-i-had-a-kid ego.

My daughter has her christening on Sunday and I, being ever so fashionable (even while I was pregnant) decided I needed a new dress to wear to church too. So off Ms. Emory and I went, thrilled because it was her her very first COGNIZANT venture to the mall. It was my opportunity to school the munchkin on all things fabulous like SEPHORA, M.A.C LIP GLASS, and THE DILLARD'S SHOE DEPARTMENT (I swear I could live there..really). We looked and we strolled and we strolled and we looked and finally, mama found something worth trying on.

Feeling pretty confident (I've been back to my pre-baby weight since 2 weeks after giving birth), I marched my eager - yet apparently very wide behind into the dressing room. Armed with 2 strapless dresses and a pencil skirt, I prepared my eyes for all KINDS of hotness. Instead, my retinas were burned out.

WTF??????

HOW THE HELL DOES MY PRE-BABY WEIGHT NOT EQUAL MY PRE-BABY SIZE?????? HOW????? That makes absolutely NO SENSE whatsoever!!! Who the hell said it was okay for the two not to match up again? Even my daughter had to look away in shame. SHAME! I swear I heard her coo to the baby in the room next to us that I wasn't her mama. How sad is that? Two months old and already knows that something just ain't right about trying to squeeze overflowing boobs into something strapless. The jugs, which I once thought of as sexy and luscious, now looked 2 OVERSIZED CHOCOLATE MALT BALLS! And not in that "ooohhh I got the biggest piece of chocolate in the easter egg hunt" kinda way.

No matter how much I sucked in, tucked under, pushed out, and tilted up, the fact of the matter was that my once curvy hourglass of a shape now looked more like a plastic tumbler cup you buy in bulk from your local grocery for ten cents each: big, round, and ridiculous. I was forced to face the fact that for the time being my Jessica Rabbit days were over...or at least temporarily on hold. My tummy is reminiscent of a Kroger grocery bag - brown and wrinkly...and I've held on to a few lovely parting gifts - vericose veins. I always thought after I had a baby I would "bring the sexy back"....shiiiiiiittttttt....sexy has run so far in the other direction I couldn't even find it with mapquest.

And I thought I wouldn't have anything to blog about today.....

*no pictures today - I'm sparing your eyeballs*

5 comments:

Kelly said...

LOL!... I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you... right? :)

I kinda feel your pain. I was only pregnant for 4 1/2 months, but I loved the boobs I got. Then they went away. And nothing fits right anymore!

The Redhead Riter said...

for you...

http://theredheadriter.blogspot.com/2009/08/secrets-friends-and-sharing.html

Christina said...

This is great! You are so funny! I am so glad I found you on SITs!!

Christina
mamafabulous.blogspot.com

Eva Gallant said...

love your blog! My kids are 37 and 38 and I still have not found my before baby size! But, hey, there are worse things in life.
stop by and say hi!

SupahMommy said...

oh my word..
going back and reading all your goodies..

big round and ridiculous..

iv'e got a ton of those in my cupboard..

that was effin funny
oka.. im going to scale you...

1-10 10 being insanely stupid hilarious...

9

 
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