Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Black Girl Said WHAAAAAATTTTTT?????

It's Tuesday - so I'm a day late (and still a dolla short - hahaha)...so what. I'm still gonna play in MeMe Monday and YOU can't stop me. So Bpppppptttttttt!

However, it seems as though my mother holds most, if not all of the evidence that I was a ridiculously silly little Black girl who unfortunately, had no clue that SHE WAS BLACK. *'gasp - did she just say she was BLACK??? Oh God! Not THAT!'* (TO THE UBER-SENSITIVE READER - I poke fun at myself and society on a daily basis, consider that one a jab and start laughing - it's really not as taboo to say "Black" as you may think)

And on a total sidenote, I always get a kick out of the non-Black people who kind of whisper the word black around me, or hesitate to describe me as "the Black girl with the short hair"....it cracks me up...it's like - HE-LLOOOOOO....U KNOW I'M BLACK...I CERTAINLY KNOW I'M BLACK....LET'S CALL A SPADE A SPADE AND QUIT THIS IRISH JIG WE'RE DOIN'! hahahahahhaaha - it gets me every time!

Anyway - I totally digress....as I was saying, I was ignorant to the fact that I was Black and hence ignored the BLACK GIRL FASHION RULES. Now no, I'm not getting all reverse racist or anything so bite your quick to judge tongue and just follow along.

Yes, there ARE Black girl fashion rules. They consist of things that Black girls can't or shouldn't do because WE'RE NOT WHITE and it just doesn't work out the same for us. Since I have no pictures to share, I will just list the top five, and guarantee you that yes, I have in fact committed EVERY BLACK GIRL FASHION CRIME you see listed here.

1. The Jheri Curl - I thought if I got a curl my hair would be pretty and curly like SJP's or Mariah Carey's. SJP is White. MC is 1/2 White. The curl did not work in my favor. What I ended up with was a "follow the drip" mess of curl that when dried (and grown out) made me look like a ghetto fabulous Ice Cube (the rapper, not what's in your freezer). Thus, not a good look.

2. Braided Bangs - my grandmother's idea, not mine. I had to sleep with one of those soft pink foam rollers in the front of my head and without fail, every morning I woke up with a lovely indention in my forehead. This is when I made my very first mental note: BLACK.GIRLS.DON'T.WEAR.BANGS. Well, at least not THIS Black girl.

3. Frosted Blue Eyeshadow - Can't blame this one on anyone but me. College mistake. But damn Cover Girl for making us think we can all wear the same damn colors. This was BEFORE they had the sense to hire Queen Latifah and create the Queen Collection. Damn geniuses.

4. Frosted Pink Lipstick - I blame my friends, and my mother for this one. If my mother had allowed me to wear makeup at age 11 I never would have made this rookie mistake, and borrowed my friends makeup at school. And if I had ANY friends who were worth their weight in spit, they would have said "Hey! Guess what? Your BLACK. Take that crap off your lips. You look like someone turned your mouth inside out." But none of them did. So I went through junior high that way. That is, until the day I forgot to wash my make-up off before coming home and told my mother that no, I was not wearing eyeliner - that line had been there since the day I was born. I remember a slap, her hollering something about having given birth to me and knowing every inch of my little Black body, and having to wait ANOTHER year before I could wear make-up.

And finally....

5. Low Rise Skinny Jeans - Plain and simple, our bodies are built differently. Black girls can't wear everything everybody else can. Well at least THIS Black girl can't. I learned this the hard way when my ass fell out while strolling through The Galleria. That was the quickest, and most necessary shopping trip EVER.

So there ya have it - my MeMe Monday on Tuesday. Bet you're wishin' I had those pics up aren't ya? Ha. Not in a million years suckers. I might wanna run for office or somethin' one day.


Elizabeth said...

Thank you for the laugh! Stopping by from SITS this morning to say hi! I totally needed this laugh today, I didn't sleep super well, so thank you ever so much. And I must say, this white girl can't wear low rise skinny jeans either - it's quite possible my ass would fall out too!

Eva Gallant said...

That is hilarious!

Amanda said...


Great MeMe!!

Amanda said...

I am laughing even harder now because your Ads by Google are for getting curly hair!!!!

Theta Mom said...

LOL! I have to admit I had a frosted pink lipstick phase, too. You are so hilarious!!!

Shell said...

LOL Great read!

SupahMommy said...

ahhh i had wine in my mouth for some of these... a great COMBO!

hey black girl.
that frosted inside out lip line..

killed me!

Half my ass cheek fits in one pair of low rise skinny jeans.. those are a cruel invention no matter what color you is.

pair them with the teeny tiny shit american eagle puts out...

your fucked.

thank you for playing along! come back next mondAY

CUZ.. THIS WEEK IT WAS OKAY YOU DID IT TUESDAY. we were all on 'oliday.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

You're very candid and unpretentious. I like that.

I did have a good laugh with the way you put things.

Thanks for sharing.

Laura and Kelly Allen said...

Frosted blue eye shadow was not a good look for anyone. No one. That stuff is gross.
And, loving the ghetto fabulous ice cube look. Ouch. Most of us totally had the poodle perm anyway. Damn Mariah Carey and her great stylist who had us thinking we could have beautiful ringlet curls. Nope, total poodle.

And, just as a little irony, the word verification I have to type in is "dowear." Isn't that randomly fitting?

JamieLynn said...

Now that the pains from laughing so hard have resided I just have to say that you are hilarious. Also I don't think frosted pink lipstick works for anyone, definatly not me.

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