This posting has been started and stopped numerous times since Sunday. Do I post it? Do I not post it? What if family reads it? WHAT IF MY MOTHER READS IT?? Ugh....
So here I sit again, a full 12 hours AFTER I initially started this post this morning, and have resolved to just do it. I'm just going to put it out there and let people think what they want, let the chips fall where they may. Okay.
Relationships. Are. Hard.
I am (unfortunately) not yet married to my daughter's father, but we DO live together. Now before someone goes wagging their well manicured finger at me, just know that I am ALREADY filled with the guilt of a Catholic hooker missing Saturday afternoon mass. Despite all my quirkiness and willingness to blow caution to the wind time at any time, this is one way in which I am VERY traditional. I WANTED to be married before I had children, but it just didn't work out that way. Now don't get me wrong - I love this man with all of my heart and every fiber of my being. But there are definitely days I'd like to smother him with a pillow. Let me explain.
We (me and my honey) have a very interesting dynamic. We would do ANYTHING for eachother. We would do ANYTHING for our child. The thing is that while this is his third child, she is my FIRST. Naturally, as any first time mom, I worry incessantly. I worry if she's breathing. Is she not breathing? Is her breathing labored? Why does she sound that way? Is her skull forming okay? And countless other "new mommy" worries that I am SUPPOSED to have. I feel the responsibility to be her consummate 24 hour protection from THE WORLD. This feeling started the day the doctor confirmed her being in my belly. I am her mommy and for the rest of my life and hers I will worry. Don't tell my mother this because I play the "cool mom" role with her to keep HER worries at bay. But I do - I. WORRY. And I do so happily. However, this is where things start to go awry for my honey and me. This is his third time around the block so it is old news for him. He reminds me constantly that I worry too much, which drives me NUTS because HE-LLO!!! I'M A MOM!! THAT'S WHAT I DO!!
This difference (new mom vs. old pro) has led to many arguments, me saying "Would you just let me be a mom? Let me do what I do, damnit!", and occasionally wondering if there is any hope for US. Wondering if we will, in fact, get married within the next year or so. Now as I said before, I love this man and believe that he IS the one for me - but how do we make this work? We have different parenting styles - I'm very hands on, very maternal, and I question EVERYTHING and he is more of a 'go with the flow' and 'let's just wait and see' kind of dad. While on some levels I appreciate that because it DOES help me to just chill out and rethink some things, on many other levels, right now I just don't have it in me to be that way.
So what do we do? How do we make this work? How do we fix what (sometimes) seems to me is on the verge of breaking?
How do TWO different people become ONE great team?