Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Old Pro vs. The Newbie

This posting has been started and stopped numerous times since Sunday. Do I post it? Do I not post it? What if family reads it? WHAT IF MY MOTHER READS IT?? Ugh....

So here I sit again, a full 12 hours AFTER I initially started this post this morning, and have resolved to just do it. I'm just going to put it out there and let people think what they want, let the chips fall where they may. Okay.

Relationships. Are. Hard.

I am (unfortunately) not yet married to my daughter's father, but we DO live together. Now before someone goes wagging their well manicured finger at me, just know that I am ALREADY filled with the guilt of a Catholic hooker missing Saturday afternoon mass. Despite all my quirkiness and willingness to blow caution to the wind time at any time, this is one way in which I am VERY traditional. I WANTED to be married before I had children, but it just didn't work out that way. Now don't get me wrong - I love this man with all of my heart and every fiber of my being. But there are definitely days I'd like to smother him with a pillow. Let me explain.

We (me and my honey) have a very interesting dynamic. We would do ANYTHING for eachother. We would do ANYTHING for our child. The thing is that while this is his third child, she is my FIRST. Naturally, as any first time mom, I worry incessantly. I worry if she's breathing. Is she not breathing? Is her breathing labored? Why does she sound that way? Is her skull forming okay? And countless other "new mommy" worries that I am SUPPOSED to have. I feel the responsibility to be her consummate 24 hour protection from THE WORLD. This feeling started the day the doctor confirmed her being in my belly. I am her mommy and for the rest of my life and hers I will worry. Don't tell my mother this because I play the "cool mom" role with her to keep HER worries at bay. But I do - I. WORRY. And I do so happily. However, this is where things start to go awry for my honey and me. This is his third time around the block so it is old news for him. He reminds me constantly that I worry too much, which drives me NUTS because HE-LLO!!! I'M A MOM!! THAT'S WHAT I DO!!

This difference (new mom vs. old pro) has led to many arguments, me saying "Would you just let me be a mom? Let me do what I do, damnit!", and occasionally wondering if there is any hope for US. Wondering if we will, in fact, get married within the next year or so. Now as I said before, I love this man and believe that he IS the one for me - but how do we make this work? We have different parenting styles - I'm very hands on, very maternal, and I question EVERYTHING and he is more of a 'go with the flow' and 'let's just wait and see' kind of dad. While on some levels I appreciate that because it DOES help me to just chill out and rethink some things, on many other levels, right now I just don't have it in me to be that way.

So what do we do? How do we make this work? How do we fix what (sometimes) seems to me is on the verge of breaking?

How do TWO different people become ONE great team?

8 comments:

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

Wow that's one we all deal with. I am so glad I did not marry my twin - that's for sure. And I think dads are sometimes the ones who later will take ore risks and help our kids go out on a limb. You are normal. He is normal. And you are in love. That is what counts!

Robbie S. Redmon, LPC said...

Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving that wonderful message. Being on MTV was great, but they took a 2 1/2 hour session and reduced it to what you saw. Oh, well. I'm glad you had a chance to catch it!
If you go back and read my Excerpts starting with #1, I bet you will see something that will help at this time in your life.

Amanda said...

My hubby and I are chalk and cheese but have the same goals in life and are madly in love. If you asked us both where we want to be in 5 years time our answer would be the same. I think that is what counts. My first 2 children and my husbands 3rd and 4th which can be frustrating as hell but at the same time how lucky am I to have someone who is so comfortable with his sons than a first time dad who doesn't want to pick up the child in case they break it. Or the first time dad who doesn't know how to soothe their child yet or know the good way to hold them when they have windy pops!! I could come up with a million more. My children would be nervous wrecks if both of us were like me or the opposite if they we were both like my Hubby.

I just made one rule. Never say to me "my ex used to do this...." or "we used to do this" - put it any othe way but that!!!

Good luck xoxo

Taryn said...

I had a girlfriend who felt the EXACT same way you are when she had her first child. It was her husband's second child, and he had the same "go with the flow" take on things. She always asked herself is she worrying too much, etc. and the answer is, NO! Not at all. It really does seem to be different for the mothers than it is for the fathers, and you are not doing ANYTHING wrong by being very cautious and worrying about your child like you are. Whether this is his first or third child, he's no more of a pro at parenting than you are. You both are doing a super duper job!
And, my girlfriend and her husband got through it. Being a first time mom is tough! Well, being a mother - period - is tough, but you know what I mean. ;)
If it's any comfort, by the time they had their second child it was a bit easier for her, for she learned so much from her first child.
So you keep doing what you are doing, darling! Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mommy! ;)

Love,
Taryn

P.S. Thank you so much for leaving the cute comment about my purses! I got so tickled when you said you had a dream that one of your friends owned a "Love, Taryn" purse. THAT JUST ROCKS!

Eva Gallant said...

I think Mom's are just naturally more protective... Hopefully, you'll relax a little as time goes on, and he'll become more understanding. It'gets easier when the little one can talk and tell you if there's something wrong. good luck!

SupahMommy said...

what i have learned that i will never admit that i have learned but that i know deep down inside.. you can't change most of a person. Their ways are deep rooted . It is most likely that your signif...would be lax if it was in fact his first child.. his hans solo. First because it is the way he is...and second because he is a stupid male.

He would be exactly the same way.

Most men are fumbledorks when it comes to parenting. The one pulpit preach I actually listened to once.. said this " mothers are given by God intuition. It is a gift. It was given to females and not males for a reason. " remember your friend and her ability to save her child... with no training..

a gift from god

revel in your gift.. someday your "seemingly " overzealous mommying.. will pay off.. In some way.

As for .. the team approach. I say there's give and take. YOur strengths will trump his weaknesses someday and vice versa. It'll just happen naturally. I honestly think (we, you and I) just need to surrender.

You do the most giving because you'll do it better. And just be okay with that. Cuz God gave YOU the gift not him. :)

hugs... and if there's more.. deep seeted underlying super fabulous juicy problems.. i'd totally sit and nod and hand you kleenex on email. .:) thanks for caring about ME the other day. ;)

SupahMommy said...

what i have learned that i will never admit that i have learned but that i know deep down inside.. you can't change most of a person. Their ways are deep rooted . It is most likely that your signif...would be lax if it was in fact his first child.. his hans solo. First because it is the way he is...and second because he is a stupid male.

He would be exactly the same way.

Most men are fumbledorks when it comes to parenting. The one pulpit preach I actually listened to once.. said this " mothers are given by God intuition. It is a gift. It was given to females and not males for a reason. " remember your friend and her ability to save her child... with no training..

a gift from god

revel in your gift.. someday your "seemingly " overzealous mommying.. will pay off.. In some way.

As for .. the team approach. I say there's give and take. YOur strengths will trump his weaknesses someday and vice versa. It'll just happen naturally. I honestly think (we, you and I) just need to surrender.

You do the most giving because you'll do it better. And just be okay with that. Cuz God gave YOU the gift not him. :)

hugs... and if there's more.. deep seeted underlying super fabulous juicy problems.. i'd totally sit and nod and hand you kleenex on email. .:) thanks for caring about ME the other day. ;)

JamieLynn said...

I think most men are "go with the flow" when it comes to their children no matter how many they have. I also believe that a lot of first time mothers go overboard without realizing it. One of my overboards was that when my daughter was first born, I
boiled her bottles and nipples and such. I know not that overboard, it's actually normal. I did them 3 times each. I got so anal about it that I neglected my other dishes.

I'm sure you 2 will be fine. You just gotta remember that sometimes you don't need to boil them that 2nd...or 3rd time and you might be going just a little overboard. Protective=Good, Over-protective=bad.

Also when the beautiful little girl becomes a beautiful teenager, He'll be the one going nuts and you'll be trying to convince him that it's fine.

 
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