I don't participate in Wordless Wednesdays because I'm a writer, and if I don't have my words, well then what the hell DO I have? So with my middle finger raised high to Wordless Wednesday, I bring you MOUTHFULL OF WHATEVA WEDNESDAY!!!
So....how many of you out there in bloggyland have a mother who used to say all kinds of weird things when they were mad at you? If your mom was anything like MY mom, you heard some of the most random crap in the world. Odds are you're using them on your own children now, even though you SWORE you never would! HA! SUCKERS!
Well, I am going to share with you some of the things I heard growing up, and CAN'T WAIT to use on the munchkin....I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN I SAY:
"DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD! NOW DID YOU _____________?? ANSWER ME!"
*ummmm....didn't I just tell her not to say another word?*
"I WILL SLAP THE BLACK OFF YOU!"
*I don't think that's actually possible, but when mom said it, I believed she would die trying. And then I'd be white. I always wondered if that would mean I would then have "white girl hair".*
"DO YOU HAVE A BREATHING PROBLEM? LAST I CHECKED I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH ASTHMA IN THIS HOUSE, BUT IF YOU KEEP IT UP I AM SURE WE CAN MAKE IT SO WE SHARE AN INHALER!"
*Damn. My mom was no joke. How the hell she came up with this one is BEYOND me.*
"ROLL YOUR EYES AGAIN AND I PROMISE YOU I WILL ROLL THEM RIGHT OUT YA'HEAD!"
*I kid you not. She ACTUALLY said that. I don't think I even BLINKED for a week after that*
"IF I HEAR YOU HOLLERIN' ONE MORE TIME I WILL BREAK YA'FACE!"
*This was actually started by my aunt. Because of her fierceness we actually believed she would do it. No one wants a broken face in the second grade.*
So, these are the ones I can remember off the top of my head. My mom was an AWESOME mom - seriously - THE BEST!!! But when she meant business....well let's just say my mom didn't play. If she said "jump", you had better be lookin' for some pogo shoes because the words "how high" were just gonna get you the look of death for "gettin' smart".
And how is it that moms can do that - give you that look that says "I swear to God if you move one more inch I am going to feed you to the sewer rats and feign ignorance when people ask for you". Will I learn to do that? Will I be good at giving "THE LOOK"?
AND THE PINCH AND TWIST!
Did anyone else's mom do this? I got this at church ALL THE TIME! And then she DARED me to make even ONE PEEP when it hurt. I always wanted to be like "He-llo! You're freakin' TWISTING MY SKIN OFF!! HOW THE 'F' AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY QUIET???". But remember that "break ya'face" line...yeah - I knew better.
But here's how I knew I was really in trouble...and if you're Latina, I KNOW you can relate.....
"ME CASO EN NA, CONIO! NO TE MUEVES Y NO TE HABLAS! SIENTATE AQUI! CARAJO!!!!"
"You move or say another word and that's your ASS!"
However, when it's said in spanish it sounds sooooo threatening. You wanna runto your nearest church and immediately beg for forgiveness of crap you have yet to do but know you WILL do, because you know what's coming.
Ugh....childhood....I look back and laugh because I was actually a really good kid. All the stuff up there I probably only heard once in my life...but they made a lasting impression. In a good way. I'm thankful for all of those "mommy threats". They kept me in line. They ensured me that my mom was maybe just a little bit crazy.
And every good mom knows that you want your kids to think you're just a little bit off.
Just a little.
Are you off? Was your mom? What kinds of things did YOUR mom holler across the house?